Glow puck has no place on hockey helpers list

 

So Versus, the network of hockey and bull riding (which are sometimes indistinguishable, especially in triple overtime) is planning to bring back a modified version of the Fox Glow Puck, the worst TV creation since Baywatch Nights (I would have loved to have been there for that pitch: "It's like Baywatch, but without the skimpy bathing suits! Just more bad dialogue! And vampires!")

 
 
 
 
 

So Versus, the network of hockey and bull riding (which are sometimes indistinguishable, especially in triple overtime) is planning to bring back a modified version of the Fox Glow Puck, the worst TV creation since Baywatch Nights (I would have loved to have been there for that pitch: "It's like Baywatch, but without the skimpy bathing suits! Just more bad dialogue! And vampires!")

I always figured the Glow Puck, with it's strange blue cloud effect and comet-like fireballs, must be what it's like to watch hockey on hallucinogens (which, in retrospect, would have made the Senators' season much more tolerable). It was relentlessly mocked, discarded and placed in the NHL skeleton closet, next to Cooperalls, the Cleveland Barons, and the NHL on TSN puppets (if you don't remember, count yourself lucky).

Also this week, TSN's Darren Dreger reported that the National Hockey League has experimented with a "verification line," an extra line placed just over one puck-length behind the goal line, to help video review judges tell if a goal is really a goal.

This, of course, will be followed in two years by the "extra verification line" to reverify the verification.

Sorry, that's cheap. It's too easy to be cynical. Truth is, technological advancements are critical to the development and marketing of hockey. So instead of taking the easy way out with lame wisecracks, let's be productive and offer up some other ideas to improve the game we love, both on the ice, and on TV.

- Forget the Glow-Puck. What we need is the Glow Puckbunny. Whenever Elisha Cuthbert is present in an NHL arena, she will automatically illuminate so as to be easily located by television cameras -- and young defencemen. If some sort of chip has to be installed to make this technology work, I volunteer.

- Install an invisible electric fence surrounding the goal crease. It's simple keep-dog-in-yard technology. When, for example, Tomas Holmstrom's large booty makes contact with the crease, he will receive a brief, yet painful shock. If this fails to deter the crease intruder (knowing Holmstrom, he may actually enjoy it), the linesmen will have the authority to shoot him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. This was suggested by Marty in Dallas. Thanks for your e-mail, Marty.

- With players now giving in-game interviews during time-outs, and occasionally while skating around the ice in warm-up, let's do them during play.

"We're joined now by Senators goalie Martin Gerber. How's it going down there tonight, Martin?"

"Great guys, feeling really good about my ... . Oh, geez, here comes a wrister! Crap ... five-hole. Umm, what was I saying? Oh, ya, my teammates are doing a really good jo ... yikes! Turnover! Top freakin' shelf again! Commodore what are #@$!in' doin?!?"

OK, that one needs more R and D.

- Better yet, forget microphones on players. All they do is grunt, spit and swear in a variety of languages. I say put microphones on fans! Here's a sampling of the kind of insight you'd get:

"Yo, Lenny, I swear to Gawd the stuff on these nachos is just melted Cheez Whiz."

"Can't be Pauly, it was $12.95. It's gotta be some fancy impawted stuff."

"Oh, ma Gawd! Look over at Section 12 Lenny, that fan looks like she's on fire!"

"Nah, silly, that's just Glow Puckbunny Elisha Cuthbert."

- Players should wear microchips so coaches can track shift length, skating speed and post-game nightclubbing ("Oh-oh, Ray's out again!"). This would also help with "too many men on the ice" calls. (Is it me, or has their been a ton of those this year?) Any time a team has an extra man on, that annoying car alarm noise will go off on its bench. As anyone who has woken up to it knows, this is worse than any penalty.

- Hockey needs more villains. How about darkening the video review booth so the NHL officials look sinister and evil like the banker from Deal or No Deal! Hey, wait, why not just scrap video review and decide close calls by playing "Goal or No Goal!" If there is a way to work scantily clad models with briefcases into the National Hockey League, it should be explored by the competition committee.

- Players should wear mini-cameras on their heads. Who wouldn't get a kick out of seeing Sidney Crosby's vantage point on a breakaway? Or Chris Osgood's view of a slap shot from the point? Or having Sean Avery look directly into your eyes and say nasty things about your mother. Well, actually it would be some other player's mother, but it would feel like your mother. And that's ... kinda ... neat?

Note: the Head-Cam would not be as effective on Zdeno Chara, as all you would see would be people in the seventh row.

Hey, wait! Let's leave the head-cams on to get a taste of a player's life off the ice. This could be entertaining and revealing.

Especially when they go on dates with Elisha Cuthbert.

James Duthie is the host of the NHL on TSN

 
 
 
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Fire MacT. That is all.
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