No Peter Pan’s Magic Flight. Or the spinning tea cups. Or, gawd forbid, the Magic Tiki Room or It’s A Small World.

Sorry, but they’re all far too tame, infinitely too lame, for someone as accustomed to the heart-stopping, the goosebump-inducing, as Miikka Kiprusoff.

A Pavel Datsyuk breakaway shake-’n’-bake can’t frighten him. A Corey Perry crease-crash isn’t enough to set his pulse racing.

But the equivalent of a 13-storey plummet out of the sky . . .?

“I like that ride that drops (Twilight Zone Tower of Terror),’’ confesses the Calgary Flames’ money goaltender, who spent the all-star break with his family doing the Disney theme-park thing in California.

“It’s a big drop.

“A long way down.’’

At the risk of being numbingly repetitive, it’s pretty frightening to consider the big drop, how far down, the Flames would find themselves without Miikka Kiprusoff this season.

Now THAT would be pee-your-pants scary.

With 32 games left and ground still to make up, meal-ticket Miikka is, as ever, their last best hope (over the years, we’ve sung his praises more often than Don MacLean sings American Pie).

Of that knot of teams jockeying for a playoff berth in and around the Western Conference cut-off line — the Flames, Dallas Stars, Phoenix Coyotes, Colorado Avalanche, Minnesota Wild and L.A. Kings — Kiprusoff remains Calgary’s only distinctive edge.

Honestly, wouldn’t any sane fan feel, regardless of rooting interest, safer in Kiprusoff’s hands than, say, Mike Smith’s, Kari Lehtonen’s, Josh Harding’s, Niklas Backstrom’s or Semyov Varlamov’s?

Even as wondrous a year as the 26-year-old Jonathan Quick is savouring in L.A., he can’t begin to match the silent Finn’s breadth of experience or achievement to fall back on when the screws really begin to tighten, in late March.

If after two years of missing the playoffs, Calgary’s boat is to finally come safely to port, Kiprusoff will be the one to guide it home.

“There’s some pretty good goalies you mentioned in that group,’’ says Flames first-year goaltending coach Clint Malarchuk. “And I don’t want to put any undue burden on Kipper, I just want to keep things rolling the way they are. But you’re right, we do have an obvious edge there. I’ve seen a lot. And in my time, in my experience, Kipper’s right there with the best. Him. Fuhr. Hasek. Roy. Brodeur. That level. That good? Yeah, that good. I’m looking at the whole package — mentally, physically, technically, athleticism. Look at his career numbers. He was the guy when I was in Florida and (Roberto) Luongo was being touted as the next great young goalie, the guy I told him to watch was Kipper.’’

Malarchuk says, and quite rightly, that we’ve been spoiled for a long time watching this man tend goal.

“There’ve been games this year where he hasn’t been picked a star and I’m like, ‘What the . . .’ And people just say, ‘Ho hum. Welcome to Calgary.’ Not that Kipper — so shy, not wanting any attention — is as upset as I am. Because then he doesn’t have to go out there and wave.’’

OK, perhaps the stats don’t stack up with Kiprusoff’s Vezina Trophy-calibre seasons. He ranks 12th in goals-against average (2.31) and 13th in save percentage (. 920). But numbers can’t be trusted to always tell the entire tale, and besides, he once more is among the leaders in minutes played, shots faced and pucks repelled.

“No, his numbers maybe aren’t the same as in other years,’’ concedes Malarchuk, “and maybe he’s not getting the leaguewide recognition he has in the past. But he gives us a chance every game. EVERY game. He’s been good to great virtually every night. And that’s how you rate a goalie.

“He’s still got those catlike reflexes. He’s still super-competitive. People say, ‘Ah, he’s 35 . . .’ Well, I don’t care. We manage his ice time, his practice time, as best we can. Brent (Sutter) and I are always communicating, and asking Kipper, ‘What do you need?’ We all work together on that. We’ve talked about that since the beginning of the season.

“Kipper’s real honest with himself, and with us, on when we need to spot him and that’s important.

“That means practice, too. If he needs a maintenance day, so be it.’’

The ongoing enormity of Kiprusoff’s workload is annually a hot-button topic coming out of the all-star break. Will he be fine? Will he be burned? What’s enough?

If he plays, say, 27 of the final 32 from tonight versus Detroit to the beginning of April, that’ll put him at 70 or more for the seventh year on the trot.

“He likes to play,’’ says Malarchuk. “He’s used to it. Ask any goaltender — when you’re playing almost every game, in a zone, it’s almost easier because your psych-up for each game becomes routine. It’s not such an effort.’’

All concerned say a plan is in place for managing Kiprusoff from here to the regular-season finish line. But . . .

“A lot,’’ admits Malarchuk, “ultimately depends on the race you’re in, on the standings, on circumstances, obviously.’’

Rested, relaxed and recharged from his trip through the environs of the Happiest Place on Earth, Kiprsuoff says he’s steeled for whatever is asked of him.

“Honestly, I don’t remember how I felt last year or the year before that, at this time.’’ he protests. “I feel healthy. I feel good. I’m all right. That’s what matters. How I felt before doesn’t matter. Right now is what matters. It’s better this year, because the hole isn’t so deep. But we can’t be happy yet because we’re not in a playoff spot. There are so many teams. It’s so close. But I think we have a good chance to do it this time.’’

So strap yourselves in. Keep those hands inside the car.

Maybe not the equivalent of a 13-storey plummet out of the sky, but on Kiprusoff’s brilliance alone they could still make this a ride to remember.